


大切なものが消えちゃう音 // the sound of something important disappearing

by 777335



Category: One Piece
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Like really minor, Minor Monkey D. Luffy/Roronoa Zoro, Other, captain thoughts, even luffy can have deep thoughts i think, luffy-centric, spoilers kinda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-24
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-10 05:48:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10430469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/777335/pseuds/777335
Summary: Before Ace died, but after Ace was already dead. That gap of time is a ragged slash in Luffy’s memories. When there was no way to fix it or change it or save him, when all Luffy could do was bear witness. Bearing witness, just bearing witness, is like trying to get all the words out of his head and into the air in the correct order- not something Luffy has ever been particularly good at.





	

**Author's Note:**

> 大切なものが消えちゃう音 - the sound of something important disappearing; which is just straight up lifted from 告白, because between that and one piece i now just associate the sound of bubbles popping with bad things.

Before Ace died, but after Ace was already dead. That gap of time is a ragged slash in Luffy’s memories. When there was no way to fix it or change it or save him, when all Luffy could do was bear witness. Bearing witness, _just_ bearing witness, is like trying to get all the words out of his head and into the air in the correct order- not something Luffy has ever been particularly good at.

He didn’t understand why everything else took so long, but the one thing that really mattered in that whole sequence had been so quick. Just that one second; he wants someone, and he doesn't know who but  _someone,_ to give him that one second back. Before Luffy looked up. Give that moment back to him and let him do it again, change it just slightly, just that one second. Then Luffy could fix it so that, next, Ace doesn't fall forward into his arms, doesn't slide to the ground, doesn't send up smoke signals to a god that had turned away.

After everything, how could it all have turned to dust in the space between one heartbeat and the next?  One heartbeat and then the next where he understood he had lost what mattered. And then the next heartbeat that took years to end, that was still going on.  The way the world had ceased to exist outside of the light of the flame, of the heat burning Luffy's face, igniting his eyelashes, searing that second into every fiber of his being. 

It was a long time before Luffy could close his eyes and not see Ace fall. It was a thousand, a hundred thousand, an infinity of those seconds repeating.

_(The first time he went to sleep and hadn’t seen that compact moment of what the world ending looked like he had snapped his eyes back open in guilt, in grief, in penance.)_

_I could not do this one thing._  He had whispered it to the sky, a broken prayer to his crew, as if they were listening. He wanted them to tell him that it was not his fault; he could almost hear them say it, but it sounded like a lie when it was just in his head. _This time,_ _I could not do this one thing_. But the sky had remained silent, because they already knew he could not do that one thing. Because the one thing he couldn’t do for Ace, he couldn’t do for them either.

 _Protect them._  

It's always the same one thing that he cannot do. 

When Kuma had taken them-- because sent them flying isn't the right word, it isn’t violent enough a word for what happened. The way Robin's eyes had looked, the way his hand had gone through air where she was just one heartbeat ago.  And then another eternal heartbeat. The sound of a bubble bursting. (To Luffy, even now, that was the sound of something important disappearing.)  Kuma had torn them away, left a gaping hole where each of them was supposed to be, like the very fabric of his reality ripped.

His heart is patchwork, their smiles keeping it together, knitting over the tear where Ace should still be alive and smiling.

Luffy still hates the distinct sound of one bubble popping. That’s what had woken him up, a cold sweat, a soft pop in the air, Ace’s breath hot on his ear, _thank you for loving me_. He feels sick.  He is stronger now, they are all stronger now and now-- now he can protect them.

The sky is overcast. Even when the sun rises, he’s not sure how much light will reach the ship. It’s chilly, this early, the wind whipping the sails above him and tousling his hair, grabbing at the hat on his back. They were all here. He had walked around the room carefully, his feet as quiet as he could make them, counting and recounting, listening outside of Nami and Robin’s rooms for their breaths, _one two three four five six seven eight_.

He’s okay, mostly. He’s alive, mostly. He’s happy, mostly. He’s ready, mostly. He's back, mostly. He feel strong enough. Mostly.  

He’s with his crew and, it’s not that he’s pushing it down, because it’s always there, but he’s able to live again. To live for Ace and himself and his dream and them. For them. But sometimes, sometimes the world gets all hazy and all he can do is struggle to breath, like the air is made of needles and the world gets so far away.  

The water below is grey, almost black. He forgets what it’s like to swim and not just sink. He wishes he could. The water looks inviting; the waves look like adventure.

This one thing he cannot do. But he is stronger now. He is strong enough. He _is_ strong enough.  A belief, a prayer, a hope, a plea, all at the same time.

He had pulled himself out here after another round, another count, forced himself to stop, thought that the cold air and the ocean would force down the nausea and make his lungs work properly again. The ocean is grey. He rocks forward precariously on the edge of the railing, just enough to feel unbalanced, and then leans back again.

Settles.

The first time you brought water into your lungs it hurt like watching someone you love cry.  That feeling made into physical pain.  (Luffy didn't think anything could hurt worse than drowning, but then he found out a lot of things could.)  But the second breath? Not as much, the grey starting to crawl in at the edges of your vision like spider webs; the third time it was twilight and it almost felt good, it felt calm.

(Water caresses, after all. It doesn’t hurt when you fall into it.

Not like everything else: stone, rock, dirt, fire, love.)

He doesn’t know about the fourth breath. He doesn’t remember it by then; there was always nothing. Not darkness or blackness, just nothing. Nothing, before he would wake up on the deck of the ship or the hard rocks of a wharf or the grainy sand of a beach with everyone around him screaming and yelling at him and telling him not to be so stupid, stupid captain, so reckless, so idiotic, doesn’t he know by now that he can’t just tumble into the water. Doesn’t he know that he’ll die? _(He knows.)_ He just gets distracted sometimes, by the fight, by the person he’s trying to protect, by the dreams he’s going to make come true for all of them. And it’s just that one of them will always drag him out, one of them will always be there to catch his hand and pull him back up from the grey into the bright light of day, so it’s not that he’s trying to die, particularly, it’s that it doesn’t matter if he falls.

He knows, one day, he’ll fall and maybe not into the water, but he’ll fall. He knows what death is, now. It’s not that he didn’t know before, it's not that he hadn't felt its crushing weight before, but there’s a different heaviness now to the way his heart beats, even at the calmest of times. There’s a different sinking feeling after a battle when he looks around and counts, a different panic when it’s _one two three four five six seven_ , a heart shattering moment before _eight_ _where’s eight there should be at least eight, who have I lost, who didn’t I see get hurt_

He can’t stand when anyone spits blood, even if he saw them get hit, even if it’s just a split lip and he knows it. He hates the feeling when he sees it, like a thousand centipedes crawl over his body all at once and a thousand nails clench into his shoulders and a thousand voices whisper in his ears _not strong enough not strong enough not strong enough not strong enough._

He’s stronger now. _(Not strong enough._ ) Strong enough. _(Maybe_ ) Strong enough.  He is.

If he is not strong enough they will come for him and then _they_ will come to help him- they always do. They always run to his side, he doesn’t even have to call their names; before he even cracks his knuckles, Zoro has already unsheathed his sword. He doesn’t have to look over to make sure Zoro is there, but he does because he likes the way Zoro smiles before he fights.

_(All teeth.)_

And Luffy sometimes feels like he can’t do it again, can’t lose someone again simply because he’s not strong enough. Because he can't protect them.  _(it’s unavoidable)_ If he just gets stronger though, gets strong enough— _(it’s unavoidable)_ —everyone says it wasn’t his fault Ace had died but. But. _(it’s unavoidable)_ Unless he’s stronger. _(unavoidable)_ Nami, Usopp, Chopper they got so much stronger for him but still, still, _(unavoidable)_ what if it’s not enough?  It's enough, he tells himself, and stares into the sea.  Tries to see below the surface of the water.  

Luffy is not good with words. He never has been, never has quite been able to make the words in his head come out just right. Sometimes they do, but often they get confused and jumbled, but it doesn’t matter because he’s always known how to make an action, a touch, a smile, one word say more than a thousand words could. Sometimes though, he wishes he was good with words, that he was the kind of Captain who could sit them down and explain, explain what it was like and what he saw and what it meant and what they mean to him and why he understands now what he didn’t understand before.

He wants to make sure they know that if it ever comes down to it, really comes down to it, they don’t need to come after him. (But they will and he knows that and he's so thankful for it even though he doesn't want to be.)

So he wants them to know that, if he dies, they should bury him and then they should run as fast and as far as they can and be happy. 

He’s not sure there are words for any of these things. How many times has he made them worry? Really worry, the sick sweet and heavy worry that you feel at the bottom of your stomach like an illness. How many times will he?  They all carry enough grief at their centers; he never means to add to it. He never meant to add to it.  He wants everyone to wake up now; he doesn't want to be alone anymore.

The air brings the soft wafting scent of iron. Of salt and sweat.

“Oi.”

He can turn around and smile, if he wants to.  Demand that Zoro figure out how to open the lock on the fridge so they can get food even though Sanji's not awake yet and there's no breakfast ready. Even though Luffy still feels kind of sick--well, probably food would make that better. Sanji's food would. But this is Zoro and Luffy doesn't need to do any of those things, so he just sits and tries to think if there are words. 

Zoro comes over, leans against the railing, cracks his neck to either side slowly, and leans back enough that if Luffy turns just so, just a little to the right, they'll be looking each other straight in the eye.

"I'm strong enough." The wind whips the words away from them, takes them and throws them out to sea, practically before they're even said, snatched right from his lips. Zoro doesn't say anything in return. Luffy turns his head just so and meets the gaze, looks at Zoro's face, at the tangled line where his eye should be. "Right?"

There is a moment where Zoro only looks at him, a lingering look, appraising, considering, testing. Luffy's hat strains against the string, cutting into his neck, but Luffy doesn't move.  Zoro grabs it with a casual hand, puts it on Luffy's head softly. It's strange how soft Zoro's touch can be. Zoro's face jumps in and out of view behind the brim of Luffy's hat, buffeted by the wind. 

"You had better be, Pirate King." Zoro’s smile is full of teeth. Luffy has never seen anything so comforting in his whole life. "I'd be pretty goddamn pissed otherwise."

That's all it takes, that's all it takes and it's like the sun comes out and Luffy smiles back, right from the bottom of his feet up to the top of his head, looking at Zoro and Zoro's smirk until all the needles disappear one by one, until his skin dances, and he feels alive again.

"Course I am." He believes it too, as he says it, as Zoro's mouth turns up even more at one corner, an arrogant trust in Luffy.  "Course I am."  Zoro's arm is solid against his. The wind batters them both, but Zoro's arm is warm, the same way Ace’s breath was when he said _thank you_ into Luffy's ear. "Gonna get stronger too."  The two of them sit there until the boat starts to hum around them, softly at first and then louder, the sun coming out just enough to take the chill out of the air, Nami and Robin and the clink of coffee and tea cups, the sound of Sanji’s in the kitchen, Franky and Usopp's voices mangled together, Brook's violin, Chopper's hoofs as he darts across the deck with a book to show Robin.

Zoro pushes himself to his feet, stretches and cracks his neck again.

"Get down from there before you fall in." He's walking away, halfway across the deck; Luffy's arm is cold where Zoro's was touching his. It’s a good cold though; somehow it doesn’t remind him of an absence, but of the fact that something so warm can exist. "I'm not jumping in after you." 

Luffy grins wide, turns around so he's facing into the ship instead of out to the sea and watches Zoro go, stretches his arms above his head, reaches toward the sky just for a minute.  Then _stretches_ his arms out and grabs and _pulls_. Pulls Zoro to him hard and fast and whipping across the deck, smacking straight into Luffy's chest, and Luffy whispers in his ear, right as they tumble over the edge and into the waves--

"Course you are."

Even in the heartbeat of the crystal splash of impact, as the ocean pulls them close, Luffy can see that Zoro is smiling.


End file.
